Befuddled

Befuddled

She’s on, she’s off
she’s a lightning strike
coursing through
the wires in my walls.

She’s on, she’s off
I looked up to see just who
was playing peekaboo with the sun
now I’m seeing spots and she’s got the stars
as well as my wires crossed

She’s on, she’s off
I thought for a moment
her light was more May flowers
than just a break in April showers
but that’s not how the world is wired

She’s on, she’s off
she’s the flicker before the lights go out
She’s on, she’s off
she’s the surge that melts the wires
and sets the house on fire


Not the words I was expecting to be inspired to write after an awesome date on Monday. Yet, when I texted Key the next morning to tell her again that I had a great time I received the following: “My morning was good! Got a lot of cleaning done! I had a good time too! But I need to tell you something. I don’t think we should see each other romantically again. You are a great guy and I had fun last night. But I would really like to be just friends. I’m very sorry I led you on.”

The part that I don’t understand is why. We went on one date, a good one. It started well, it ended well. We both expressed interest in doing so again soon. Yet 12 hours later, that had changed. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me and not having an explanation bothers me more than the sentiment itself.

To me, it seems like the point of dating is to get to know someone. I had no intention of rushing things or pushing her into a relationship. We had, after all, just met. If she was uncomfortable with the kissing, it would have been nice if she had simply said so and we could have continued going on dates and spending time getting to know each other without it. We’re both adults. It seems pretty reasonable to me.

It bothers me a little, I admit, that after such a positive experience she flipped off like a light switch. That’s the way it feels, at least. It’s also somewhat ironic that she expressed several times during the evening how she was used to being in the situation in which she just put me.

Furthermore, I’m a little confused as to why, if someone is not used to being taken out to dinner, treated like a lady, respected and not have any physical boundaries pushed or even tested, they wouldn’t welcome the opportunity to get to know someone who does all those things. Yes, I kissed her, but she also kissed me back and even took initiative to do so multiple times.

She said I am a great guy and without wanting to sound full of myself, I think that’s true. I am friendly and generous, I respect women and admire strong, intelligent women. I can hold an intelligent conversation, I’m a good listener, and I’m honest, almost to a fault. I make an effort to be a gentleman toward everyone, because it’s important to me. I’m playful and serious in their own moments, practical and romantic. I not only know how to dance, but I love dancing and you should have seen her staring into my eyes while I played guitar for her. In her specific case, she’s a theatre person and I’m not only an actor, but I love musical theatre. So it boggles my mind that after one date, which hardly implies or demands any kind of romantic commitment, that she wouldn’t want to do so again. I feel like there’s some giant missing piece of information and once more, that’s what is really getting under my skin, the lack of explanation. I’m disappointed that she didn’t have enough respect to explain, especially when I politely asked her to.

I suppose I will just have to see if she is sincere about wanting to be friends. It was pretty obvious that we could get along easily and well. Yet how many people who throw that line out there mean it? I am almost positive that I can count the number of women who have told me they just wanted to be friends who I am still close to on a fist.

In the end, my life is not really any different than it was last Friday or even Saturday before 10 PM. I still had a great time Monday night and I have no regret about the time, effort or money spent. She was a wonderful companion and seems like a woman who would be great to get to know. If I don’t get that opportunity, well, life goes on. I hope she finds someone who will treat her the way she deserves, whether that is me or someone else.

It would be nice, however, if for once someone would just give me an honest chance. The disappointment wears on me.

Close enough to my daily goal and I’m tired of the topic.

And a thousand words, goodnight.

-m0rg4n