Well, fuck. Here I am again, writing. I’m fighting one of those moods in which I do just about anything else in order to avoid the task I’ve given myself. I don’t want to write. I don’t really want to do anything else either, however. I read so often it’s not like there’s reading to catch up on. In fact I’m in the middle of two books right now, one on Kindle and one physical. I don’t own a Kindle mind you, I just use the app for PC/Mac. I’m reading some fantasy book by some Kindle novelist whose name I don’t particularly care to remember or look up and Glory Road by Robert A. Heinlein. Once upon a time I considered Heinlein my favorite author. I’m still a fan, but not to the degree I once was. Still one of my top three, though. Heinlein, Gaiman, and Orson Scott Card in no particular order.
Lasagna is binging. BRB.
And I return to complain about the weather. If you’re one of those people whose had an early spring/summer this year, I envy you. As an acquaintance of mine noted today, even though it’s warmed up and raining, everything is still brown here. None of the vegetation has started to liven up. I heard bird song one day this week, but only one. I’m tired of it.But it is what it is, so. . . make the most of life anyway.
Today I spent the morning with a girl from work. There’s a peculiar dynamic between us that I can’t define. I don’t know if we’re just on opposite ends of some spectrum or what. I enjoy her company and even without any particular need or desire to become intimate with her, she is beautiful. (This is the girl about whom I commented to a friend that she could make Paris and the Greeks forget Helen.) Even today, in her t-shirt, blacks tights and calf-high boots, she looked amazing. I am somewhat partial to that look, though, which I describe as “equestrian”. Regardless, I’m undeniably drawn to beauty. That’s just the way I am.
My appreciation of beauty and excellence is actually one of my top seven character strengths according to the VIA survey. VIA stands for Value in Action and is measurement of an individual’s strengths in 24 characteristics that are valued by cultures around the world. For the hell of it, my top five are: creativity, ingenuity, and originality; appreciation of beauty and excellence; curiosity and interest in the world; honesty, authenticity, and genuineness; and love of learning. If you’re interested in learning about your strengths, check out authentichappiness.org.
Back to my day. We met for breakfast at a little bakery/café in town to which neither of us had ever been. She invited me earlier this week and I was happy to say yes. After finishing off a chocolate croissant, (my favorite pastry), we went antique hunting. Having joined her for this adventure, I have solidified my opinion on the interior decor aspect of any future relationship I have. As long as I retain veto power over anything I find particularly hideous, I’m leaving furnishing/decorating to my girlfriend/wife. I’m pretty satisfied with the $40 writing desk I finally went and picked up from Walmart after trolling antique stores all day. I will never convince myself to spend more than a $100 on a desk. Nor, as nice as they were, could I spend $125 on three original prints of nude women beneath chiffon covers. (She was tempted, but decided to think about it. I respect that decision.) They were lovely prints/photographs, but. . . I just couldn’t do it. All the paintings/art/decor in my apartment was either under $30 or free. Mostly free. I’m somewhere between minimalist and frugal. I’d probably be offended if someone called me a miser. I’d just rather live without something I don’t particularly need than spend money on it. I’m pretty certain this arrangement will go over fairly well with whomever is in my future. As long as she isn’t addicted to stuff the way my mother is, we’ll be just fine.
Speaking of the future, one of my new. . . friends always has a deck of tarot cards sitting out at his house. I need a word that fits in between acquaintance and friend. Any suggestions? Anyway, I used to play with tarot cards on a regular basis when I was younger and hadn’t even seen a deck in years. I don’t have the cards memorized, but I know the standard(?) layout by memory and have done two readings while passing time at his place. I ask a simple question, “What’s next?” and both readings have been fairly complementary. It seems like the future I want is in the cards. I give it the credit it’s due, but it still makes me smile. In the last reading, the Tower sat in my past and the Queen of Cups in my future. The Tower was a significant obstacle in readings I did when I was younger, so it kind of had a little personal meaning to see it firmly rooted in the past. I am content with whatever the future brings. Que sera, sera.
But I can’t wait to meet her. I love her already.
I’m open to the possibility that I’ve met her already and we just haven’t figured out that part of our lives yet. I can think of a few women I wouldn’t mind exploring the world with, but we’ll see. Isn’t that part of the beauty of it? It’s going to be adventure.
Surgeon general’s warning: don’t eat half a loaf of french bread and hummus to tide you over while your lasagna is in the oven. I am not hungry. At all. Oi.
Speaking of looking forward, tonight will be interesting. I’m not certain what’s going to happen. One of our new co-workers, who is likely the only metro guy in Idaho, is hosting a small housewarming party in about an hour. I haven’t attended a lot of social functions with the people I work with, mostly just run into them on nights when I go out on the town. It will be nice to take another step toward being more than a face in the hallway and a hello. It helps, of course, that I’ve been able to conquer my shyness more and more as time has passed. It helps that I’ve taken my life in my hands and thrown myself into the community I live in, becoming a little “famous” in my own right.
When Capri moved to Missoula and subsequently started ignoring me altogether, I was heartbroken. I was lonely, depressed and life, for a while, was really hard. The peculiarities of our relationship didn’t make things any easier. She encouraged me to do as she had. It was her belief that I was unhappy because of where I was. She was wrong. I was unhappy because of who I was.
I made it my goal, in the aftermath of those events, to stay here until I could be happy wherever I went. I wanted, and want, to be someone who is happy with himself. I want the world to be my dance floor. (The one place where I am most comfortable.) I’ve come a long way since last September. I joined the local theatre and have been lauded for talent I’m not certain I have. I’ve been given credit by some for stealing the show for the last two shows I’ve been in, in spite of my minor roles. I continue to teach my dance class and have gotten involved in a group that plays D&D regularly. People I don’t know appreciate my karaoke and I receive a lot of support when I play my music at a local open mic night. I think this summer is going to be great as I continue to explore and open up to accepting myself. It’s important to note that the best part of all of this is not the events and recognition itself, but the changes in my self-expression. I am most content because I am finding my own voice, my own way and a self who is eager to be great.
Remember, there are two wolves fighting within you at all times, the positive and the negative. The one you feed, wins.
And a thousand words, goodnight.