Things I Don't Need

This post was inspired by Zen Habits, a blog I read as often as it's updated. Much of my journey into the exploration of positive psychology began there. I consistently find places where the two paths converge. I intend to write on the subject a little more when I'm ready, but it isn't time for that yet. 

Today's article was on the 5 principles of a profound workday, however, I think they're simply 5 principles for a profound life. The focus was on simplifying. Simplify your day, your space, your so on and so forth. Take your time. Do something worthwhile with your day. I'll share an excerpt, the section that resonated most for me:

4. Simplified. The principles for a profound workday might seem impractical to most people, because there just isn’t the time or space to implement them. The only way to create this type of workday is to simplify.

It’s the key to everything else. Subtract. Pare everything down to its essence.

What’s on your desk right now? What are the three items that actually need to be there? Remove everything else.

What’s on your schedule for today? What are the three tasks that would really make a difference in your life? Eliminate everything else that you possibly can.

What do you do every day? How many of those things can be eventually pared down?

How much do you do online? Could you do without it?

Simplify, and you’ll be able to find emptiness, solitude, silence, slowness, mindfulness.

"Subtract. Pare everything down to its essence." It's that line that really gets me. From there I look inward and I see in myself all the things I need to pare down to get to my essence. So I asked myself, "What are things I don't need in my life?" Here are my answers:

I don’t need depression.

I don’t need another human being to feel complete.

I don’t need a partner to be active.

I don’t need someone else to explore the world.

I don’t need to hold other people up to my expectations.

I don’t need to live through expectation.

I don’t need World of Warcraft.

I don’t need to feel like I’m not good enough.

I don’t need to feel like what I create is not good enough for others.

I don’t need days in which I create nothing.

I don’t need to be shy or bashful.

I don’t need boredom.

I don’t need “I don’t know how.”

I don’t need a lack of faith in myself.

I don’t need to think about where I should be, what I should be.

I do not need fear.

Take away depression, to make more room for contentment.

I must be all me to share myself fully.

Take away lethargy and lack of motivation, I can enjoy the things I enjoy with and for myself.

The world is a fascinating, exciting place. I can appreciate it alone or with someone.

Take away expectation, let things simply be.

Take away World of Warcraft. I barely enjoy it and I feel bound to it. Take away unnecessary responsibilities.

Take away insecurity. Self-doubt is poisonous.

Take away distrust. Listen to the voices of those who appreciate every thing I create.

Take away shyness, if the dance floor is the place I am most comfortable, let the world be the dance floor.

Take away boredom, let there be activity. There is always something to learn, something to do.

Take away “I don’t know how.” I know how to research, how to learn. Use that knowledge and don’t give up because it’s difficult to find motivation.

Take away self-judgment, the world is as it is and is what it is, and so am I.

I am here. The path led here. The only direction I can go is forward, with the current.

Take away fear, let it enter a chrysalis and emerge courage.

Diet vs. Dieting

I don’t like the concept of dieting. I see a huge dichotomy between diet and dieting that shouldn’t be there. If your diet is bad and you go on a diet, there’s no permanence to that. The diet you’re on may be a good one, but if you give it up later, what was the point? That being said, I’ve been eating healthier and healthier over the last couple years. I have never gone on a diet, but I have been changing mine. It’s been a slow process but since I worked on one thing at a time, it was such a small thing that I didn’t know how well I’d succeeded til I discovered I was ready for the next change.

Let me share with you some of the biggest changes I’ve made:

- First, I stopped eating fast food almost entirely. This was pretty easy for me, since I find greasy, low quality junk food unpleasant anyway. The quality and the prices disgusted me, since by the time you super size a meal you may as well have had a decent meal at a decent restaurant. I usually look for the cheapest delicious looking item on the menu anyway.

- Next, I stopped drinking soda. This was harder. I used to drink a -lot- of soda and I really prefer my beverages have flavor. But soda is horrible for you. Not just because you can use Coca Cola to clean up oil spills, battery terminals, or dissolve nails. The carbonation is bad for your bones, too. These days I typically drink water, coffee, wine and juices.

- I avoid processed food as much as possible. I personally avoid eating anything premade unless it comes out of a can. In the long run I don’t do that much either. Human beings weren’t designed to eat Meals Rejected by Ethiopia. (MREs or Meals Ready to Eat). And don’t tell me your microwave dinner is anything more than a tasty version of the same.

- My most recent change is also related to what I do/do not drink. Anyone who knows me at all can tell you that I refuse to operate without a double mocha first thing in the morning. That makes for a massive intake of milk (especially when I had milk in my cereal, too). The human body is not designed to digest cow’s milk, let alone the processed milk we drink. I moved from 2% milk in my mochas to soy milk. Since making that change I’ve started using soy milk in my cereal as well. It’s a bit more expensive, but it has a richer, nuttier flavor I’ve come to enjoy and I’ve lost weight.

- Finally, the hardest one for me, avoiding candy. When I find myself craving sweets I try to at least eat something natural. My boss at work has his “office” right across from my desk and keeps a bowl of bite-sized candies out for everyone. While I don’t begrudge myself one from time to time, when I find myself wanting one I make the trek down to our café and get a fruit smoothie. (Frozen fruit and apple juice, nothing more).

A caveat before I close. You’ll notice I use words like “typically,” “avoid,” “usually” and so on fairly often. I don’t consider myself an obsessive health food nut and I indulge myself in things I enjoy but don’t consider off limits often enough. (Soda and fast food are mostly off limits. Ice cream, the occasional bag of gummi bears, the bite sized candy bars, those are fine from time to time.) And that’s ok, because it’s just how I eat, not part of some diet I’m on to get slimmer. I feel better, trimmer, more content with my body and self, eating the way I do. It is its own reward.

Of course it is not enough just to eat well. A good diet is a great step forward. The next step is to get off the couch, out of the computer chair, out of the house and LIVE.

Writing & Writings

Yet another day finds me writing for the hell of it. Writing for it’s own sake. Just typing random words as they come to mind. Getting irritated with Microsoft Word for trying to convince me that my grammar is bad. Like I’m going to trust the company who created Windows. Cause that’s certainly an example of something done right . . .

I want to write. Yet I do so aimlessly. I suppose I could be working on my novel, but that sounds like more effort than I actually want to put into writing at the moment. It’s hard to motivate myself to do so. There are so many other things that are easier. Like rambling on about the subject.

I actually have two novels and a television script on my life agenda. One of the novels is a full-fledged fantasy novel that works as an alternate origin story for Peter Pan. That’s the one I’m working on right now. The second is a military sci-fi romance. In the love story sense, not smut. That one is about an alien invasion that features Earth as a lost colony of a galactic empire. And, of course, finding the love of your life after six years only to ship out the next day. Oh, and discover you have a telempathic daughter; who’s being used as a weapon.

The television show is called Angelus, and is totally unrelated to Angel from the Buffy series. The Angelus are the descendants of mortals and fallen angels. The premise being that when God cast the angels from heaven, some of them chose to Fall for mortal lovers. Their descendants have been all the great leaders in history. It takes place in the modern era. The main character is the only descendant left with a bloodline strong enough to access the powers of the Angelus. In the first episode his guardian angel voluntarily Falls in order to warn and protect him. He is being hunted because, classically, he is the only one who can stop the demons from releasing a more powerful demon/the devil into the world. There’s an extended cast of characters.

I suppose there’s more than that, really. I have every intention of putting together a book of poems based on the work of Albert Camus, specifically The Myth of Sisyphus. I imagine some Zen and Positive Pysch concepts will make their way into that one too. I also want to write at least a chapbook that features my Sun and Moon “story”. I’ll include my poem by the same name at the end to give you a better idea.

There are, of course, the many songs and lyrics I’ve written; and the vast body of poetry. With some exceptions, I’ll probably leave most of that as a trail that leads to my current work. As I get better with the guitar, I’ll revisit some of the lyrics I’ve not put to music yet, and I’ll continue playing the one’s I like at open mic nights from time to time. Sometime soon I’ll start playing with a guy I know who does a great job with the solo/lead/first guitar part while I stick to the rhythm/second guitar. I should call him.

On another note, dancing continues to be an important part of my life and I’m pleased with the people and opportunities it brings. I’d like to think it’s made me a new friend and I look forward to teaching her to dance, going sailing and horseback riding with her. In conversation or activity, I feel it will be time well spent.

Enough for now. Writing done.

Actualization

It’s said that part of living a fully realized life is to do things for others. That doesn’t mean you have to rush out to the nearest soup kitchen or animal shelter and start volunteering. You can, if that’s what you’re moved to do. For me, that type of volunteering isn’t the right answer. What we have to realize is that the right answer is different for everyone.

So what’s my answer? It isn’t that I don’t want to help people. I actually really enjoy helping people. But what I love is sharing the things I’m passionate about. I want to share those things and pass my love fore them on to others. I have done my share of volunteering. However, the majority of my volunteer experience is made up of the over 90 hours of teaching swing dance for a non-profit organization in Moscow, Idaho. That total doesn’t include the half hour early I arrived in order to open and set up the venue almost every week that I taught, (and many weeks when someone else did). Dance is something I’m passionate about it and I love helping others learn it. Many of those people were inspired to take it up as a hobby and passion all their own. I continue to teach today, spending an hour and a half each week teaching whoever cares to show up for my small swing class at a local coffee shop. I do charge $3 a person, but I don’t do it for the money.

I also do my part through awareness of the people around me. I like to share the things I love with people I think will gain from them at least half as much as I myself did. One way I do this is through sharing books that have changed my life. It’s more than saying, “you should read this book.” Usually it’s, “here, have my copy.” and I simply order a new one. Sometimes it’s a link to an article to a blog or specific article that I think suits the moment or the person’s situation. Offer what you have, offer what you love and remember that it’s okay if your gift doesn’t inspire someone else the way it inspired you. When it does, it’s all worth it. But don’t be pushy.

Finally, what I’ve realized, and possibly what I’ve known all along is that I want to help people for a living. I want to help people connect and lead fuller, better lives. Until recently, I didn’t know how I was going to do that and I drifted through job posting after job posting unsatisfied with the offerings. Non-profits seemed like good causes, but weren’t the cause for me. And while I currently work in the corporate headquarters of a major women’s fashion retailer, just helping someone else make more money has never appealed to me. Yet it was here that I had the opportunity for exploration that helped me discover what I want to be doing: Applied Positive Psychology. I want to help organizations and the people in them work together to create an environment that boosts productivity through better leadership and better employee satisfaction. I’m even looking at a way to make dance a part of that. How awesome would that be?

I’ve found my calling and a way to help others that’s personally satisfying. There’s something out there for everyone. Don’t worry if you can’t bring yourself to march for cancer or ring a bell for the Salvation Army. Don’t beat yourself up if the Peace Corps isn’t the path for you.  Find out what is it that you’re passionate about sharing and do it in a way that suits YOU. Every spark you light in a student or peer is a step toward a fully realized self. And if you make a living off it, that’s ok too.

What's Your Question?

I recently finished reading Drive by Daniel Pink. At the end of the book Pink includes a series of exercises and readings that can help you identify what motivates you, gives you a sense of purpose, etc. (Yes, I know you’re supposed to have three examples before an etc. If you want more, go read the book. You should anyway.) =) One of the most striking exercises is the “What’s Your Sentence?” exercise, one that caught the imagination of many of his readers.

In a nutshell, what you do is: “Take your life, take what you want to do and distill it into a single sentence.”

Daniel Pink’s sentence is, “He wrote books that helped people see their world a little more clearly and live their lives a little more fully.”

I’m still thinking about my sentence but I want it to go something like, “Through his passions he helped people grow as social individuals.”

The passions in my sentence are varied: dance, positive psychology (my newest passion), and teaching are probably the top three. Even those have subcategories, however. What do I love about dance? It’s fun and gets the body moving, engages the brain and leads easily to a flow state. But moreso, it’s about connection with yourself and another human being and it’s about communicating clearly with that other person and playing/engaging with them. Every dance is a story and a conversation and your willingness to play makes it more fun and more engaging. What I love about positive psych is even more in-depth.

Through dance and applied positive psychology I can teach these things and more. I can help people become better leaders. I can help them become better social individuals. I define a social individual as someone connected to themselves and others in a positive way. There are few people who prize individuality as much as I do, but we can all see the flaws inherent in a society in which individualism is defined better as narcissism combined with an overbearing sense of entitlement. We can only survive as individuals so much as that individuality improves our interactions with those around us. Human beings have both individual needs and social needs, both of which must be met to achieve a sense of well-being.

I’m excited about moving toward a future in which my sentence defines me more and more every day.

So there’s only one thing left to do, and that’s ask:

What’s your sentence?

  

http://www.danpink.com/archives/2010/10/whats-your-sentence-the-movie

Direction

Yesterday I figured out what I want to do with my life. It’s kind of an overwhelming joyfear (zenhabits.net/joyfear) but lifted my spirits through the roof. Yesterday was a great day and has carried over into today. And with my field of choice, hopefully that mood will carry into the rest of my life.

It all started with Zen Habits. I don’t remember how I discovered Zen Habits, but through Leo Babauta’s exceptionally popular blog about simplifying and building a better life, I found Goodlife Zen, another blog that promotes personal well-being, self-improvement and a Zen lifestyle. On one of the first posts I read on Goodlife Zen I came across a video of a seminar given by Daniel Pink. The video was about intrinsic motivation and how the carrot and stick version of motivation our society doesn’t really work. (It does work, but only for certain types of tasks and only to a certain point.)

Between Pink’s A Whole New Mind, Drive and a whirlwind of exploration in my free time I was introduced to Abraham Maslow, Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Unless you want to dislocate your jaw, I don’t recommend trying to pronounce that last one. ;) What do all these people have in common? They’re all big names in the field of Positive Psychology. And that’s what I want to do; I want to work in Applied Positive Psychology. I want to get a Master’s in A.P.P.  from the University of Pennsylvania. It so happens to be where Martin Seligman is in residence.

What does one do with a career in Applied Positive Psych? Well, it has uses in a variety of fields, from business to sports to education. It can help improve employee satisfaction, increase productivity, and through it, profitability. It can help improve learning and guide us toward personal satisfaction. All of that is something I want to be part of.

I won’t be applying for fall of 2012, but I’ll shoot for fall of 2013 at earliest and keep applying til I get in. Most of the coursework can be done without living in Penn. The description online says that the degree can handle commutes from anywhere on the globe. My first step is to make connections that can give me recommendations that show I’m committed to positive psych. I figure that will take the most time, which is why I’ve set my start date within the next two to three years. In the meantime, I’m going to start reading and writing about the topics. I started writing an article on the concept of flow, (total absorption in a task), for my company’s intranet but I’ve decided to hold off til I’ve done a little more research. My own copy of Drive is in the mail along with one of Csikszentmihalyi’s books on flow and Seligman’s books on Positive Psych.  

I’m content with that start and looking forward to immersion in the subject. By the time I start my Master’s work, I intend to know a fair amount about the subject and have my own ideas ready.

Tis the East and Juliet is Blonde

I’ve started to realize that I unrealistically categorize women by hair color. Which doesn’t mean there’s a blonde joke coming up anytime soon. Well, maybe, since now that I mention it, I can’t resist.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A: A Golden Retriever.

Right, now that that’s out of my system.

If you aren’t aware, I’m rather single at the moment. This time around, I’m constraining my dating to women between 21 and 30 (with leanings toward women 23-28). I’ve given in and dated a few too many twenty year olds and thus far it’s not been terribly satisfactory. Not really anyone’s fault, it’s simply that most young people don’t know what direction they want their life to go. Lord knows I didn’t at 20.  (Not to mention that whole finishing college and getting a job who knows where thing.) Those who think they do -often- discover that what they thought they wanted changes. I’ve known some wonderful young women, their lives just weren’t settled enough to make our relationship a real commitment. Anyway, that has little to do with hair color.

In my frequent online browsing of the limited choices in the surrounding area, I realized that I tend to immediately put pretty blondes on a pedestal and move on. As if something about being pretty and blonde meant that they’re more goddess than human and less likely to have easy, fun conversation or share interests with someone like me. I think I’ve unconsciously been doing this for a while now. Years, really. I don’t know that’s it’s fair to them, nor myself.

Brunettes, well, much more approachable. As if somehow being dark haired made them more “down to earth,” and more inclined to a kind nature. I like beauty in all shades, but something about dark hair sprawled across my pillow really appeals to me. Dark hair and blue eyes? Spectacular. Though I have navy pillowcases right now, so maybe blonde would be a nicer contrast. ;P

Finally, there’s the rare red head. I’m in the “red head’s are either one end of the spectrum or the other” camp, gorgeous or unpalatable. I do like red heads, much as I like Russian women. As if all red heads (and Russians,) are straightforward, direct and let you know when, what, why, and how angry they are with you. I will admit a preference to what I like to “Scandinavian red” over the Scots-Irish tint. Green eyes, blue eyes, it doesn’t matter. I’ve dated one and wanted to date another. Pretty good, for the aforementioned rarity.

So there you go, you are now equally aware of my natural inclination to stereotype how dateable a woman is by the color of her hair. Much as you do, I think that being aware of this will hopefully allow me to begin to let go of these pre-misconceptions. Bear with me, however, there’s history that led to these developments and habits are oh, so hard, to break.