I fall, I fall
I fall for her
wandering in Wonderland
maybe this time
the rabbit hole
will feel more like home;
Alice never stays.
My subconscious decided to dwell on my frustration with lost love last night. I had another sci-fi/fantasy dream, which makes four story driven dreams in the last five nights. It’s the end of this one that stuck with me.
In my dream, I met a woman who loved me as much as I loved her. I knew she was the one. I don’t think we as much as touched or kissed, we were in the middle of that playful banter stage. Much like Petruchio and Katherine but with less vehemence. A faceless man came, I think to kill my character in the dream. He pulled out a gun and “Kate” tried to get me out of the way. Something like this:
The newcomer pulled his hand from his coat. I barely noticed the glint of metal in his hand, but Kate did.
“Petruchio, gun!” she shouted and pushed me. I grabbed her wrist and started running, but it was too late. The gun leveled with ceiling and the man fired. One shot. Another. A third. A fourth. Another. A final shot. Each bullet found its home in my Kate. Ripped holes in her body, in my heart.
I caught her as she started to fall and lowered her gently to the floor. My mind was reeling.
As she lay there she said to me, her voice weak, “I would have loved you forever.”
“I will,” I said.
Sigh. There was more, but I don’t feel like wasting today on the details. As far as an interesting story, it was a pretty good dream. But that scene was certainly a metaphor for the way my love life has been going. The only difference here was that in this dream, she was taken from me instead of leaving for whatever life she imagines is better out there. Which, in spite of the tragedy of it is better in a way than abandonment.
Don’t think this dream has me down or is weighing on me. It was just a dream. And the scene a reflection of not only something that’s been eating at me, but a symbol as well of the hope that still resides in me. She’s out there and someday we’ll find each other, which is far more important than the possibility of losing her. In the meantime, I think it was also a message that it’s time and I’m ready to put the last love I found to rest.
I’ll leave you with a few lines that came to me as I wrote:
I’m done jumping fences
mowing other’s lawns
It’s time to grow a garden
among the green enough
grasses of my soul.